Hestiaphobic anyone ?

My name is Yasmeen and I am a hestiaphobic!

I was surprised they have a name my  irrational fear, but then again they have a name for everything nowadays.  If you are anything like me, you are currently googling hestiaphobia, but have no fear I shall tell you - It is a fear of baking.  Yep, seriously, cross my heart that's what it is !  

I have decided to make a concerted effort to overcome this fear, to go boldly, or boldly go, where millions have gone before me - to start baking.

So after over 10 years in India on and off, I finally decided to take the plunge and buy an oven, not a nice big one like you get in firangi places, but a compact one (aka OTG)  that sits on top of the counter. Am renting a place and there's no space for a proper one and to be quite honest these proper ones are quite expensive and I'd rather use that dosh to go on holiday and make nice memories than spend it  on memories of burnt, non-rising, sunken in the middle cakes (which I am sure will result from my endeavours !) 

My repertoire of baking is limited to a single lemon cake I made many years ago.  A bunch of us used to get together for dinner parties on a regular basis.  Now when I say dinner parties I need to clarify.  It started with drinks, then dinner and wine, then drinks, then board games and drinks (whatever happened to playing Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary raucously after a few bevvies?), then philosophising over Baileys, then struggling with the sofa bed for those who picked the short straw for it (god those things were vicious), then waking up at 11am, full English brekkie then recovery the next day.....so where was I ?? aha the lemon cake, so I  decided to make this lemon cake as a surprise - but it never rose :(.  So I cut it up and served it as lemon flapjacks!! At least I'm inventive !

So why my hestiaphobia? I watch Masterchef and marvel at the ease at which they just throw a sponge together and then transform it into something spectacular (jammy gits !).  I sometimes spend some minutes watching those cake programs where folk have to make those monster constructions, but they don't keep me too interested as who in heaven's name wants a 5-foot cake covered in fondant and constructed for the most part out of rice-crispie bricks!

One of the 'powerpuff girls' bakes yummy stuff, my sis bakes amazing bread, a friend in Dahanu could bake for England .............everyone says just follow the recipe.  Yeah right !!  butter should be cold, don't overwork, make sure whites are peaky enough, make sure they are not too peaked, use melted butter, don't open the oven.  Maybe that's the problem I hate recipes, I am too scared to stray from them as far as baking is concerned as it's all to do with chemistry I've been told.  I'm quite happy to stray big time from stuff you make on the stove, subsitute this for that or don't worry about a missing ingredient - but baking is another story.

 I'm normally an instruction follower, I read through instructions even with a new phone.  Not that there are any instructions anymore ...what's with that ? Even if there are they have  those Ikea-like diagrams that are impossible to follow, they really need to stop employing artistically-challenged folk like me to draw these diagrams methinks.  Luckily I had my nephew here recently when I got a new water filter, I removed all the packaging, glanced at the instructions after hunting around for my glasses  and left him to figure out the putting together, which he did wonderfully.

I don't know...... it's irrational, but I'm going to bite the bullet and bake something and people are going to have to eat it whether they like it or not. 

If anything, I have to do it for the child, I mean what mother nowadays does not bake with her girl child.  In fact the other day I went to lunch at a friend's and her 12-year-old son impressed me with his baked brownies !!!  OK those who know me, know that I'm a pretty atypical mother of a young girl and have to work really hard to remember to get her girlie stuff and let her be girlie  - there are some things I can't change (a being non-girlie is one of them)  but I can learn to bake and I will bake even if it kills me and causes dodgy tummies to those around me.

So let's do it !!! I think I'll start with fairy cakes or cupcakes or muffins (easier to look upon many small disasters than a massive one)........I have the oven, I have the baking powder (got that yesterday) .............................uhm guess I'd better get on those shopping sites and order some baking trays huh (Lord I hate shopping !) 

 A bit of gyan !

 Fairy cakes vs Cupcakes

Powerpuff girls make it right !

Okaaaay I'm back.  Lots has happened since my last post and now since I'm 'lukha' (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lukha) again and as my partner 'powerpuff girls' suggested I blog - thought I'd give it a shot.

So there I was last night, lounging on the settee, trying to digest the inordinate amount of food I had consumed,  watching 'The Americans' and wondering how no-one can see through the disguises of the main character as he has a nose that you would recognize in a mile away, when my phone chirruped. I checked wassap and there it was on the 'powerpuff girls' group - a photo of my mate's paintings put up on a wall of a restaurant and the fb post claiming that  was the owner's creation....hmmmm.

There's a lot of background to this which I won't bore you with,  but needless to say there was a bunch of incredulous comments, wtf's and advice being bandied about.  Of course being ladies of action - we took it ! Comments were made on fb (politely of course), that maybe a mistake had been made, copies of the post were posted to our pages just letting folk know the real artist, advice was given to the artist not to be 'dheela' and to stand up for what was right, prophecies were made that the blame would go to the social media person......and so it went on.

Then the responses to our comments started........and the responses back.........and the private messages to the artist ('chewing her head' as she put it).......finally the post was edited and then removed and the social media person was blamed and all was well in the land...Some edited snippets from the conversation (without the ubiquitous emoticons half of which I don't understand and can't see without my glasses !)..............

"wtf !!"
"absolutely no way"
"shameless and how"
"what to say now"
"bloody liars"
"bollocks"
"unbelievable"
"i still don't understand why they would do this"
"one lesson i've learned is not to waste energy trying to understand the cretinous actions of folk"
"i betcha somewhere down the line they will blame their social media person"
"i'm so uneasy right now"
"check out the response to the post"
"their damage control is bollocks"
"she is chewing my brains"
"blaming the fb lady"
"see i told you"
"i'll chew your brains if you are not careful"
"they've taken off the post completely"

Once  the post was removed, we all had a good laugh and we we ended on .....

"oh well the end of an exciting gripping evening full of intrigue.... did they know? did they not know ? are they deceitful or are they innocent bystanders ? will the owner ever paint again ? is the friendship crushed ? will the mafia be after us and will we wake up with a horses's head in our bed'....well tune in for the next episode of ....'Stay real .... the powerpuff girls are about !'

So all is well in the land, nothing earth shattering occurred and no-one died - we went from being shocked and angry to having a good laugh about it .......but is all really well  ?

What has happened to integrity ? We seem to be living in a world where it is a commodity no longer valued.  The motto seems to be 'get away with what you can' and make excuses when you are caught. Many are too scared or apathetic to stand up and speak up for what is wrong.  I'm not talking about big world-changing events here, beef bans, scams or political shenanigans - I' m talking about in our social interactions.

In a small place like Pune, where there are only 1 or 2 degrees of separation, a reputation can be besmirched in a day.

Who knows how the whole incident will be spun, these are popular people.  On a superficial level, every one is nice to each other but beneath it all  I am discovering an undertone of who did what to whom, who did who, who has what and what they did to get it .....it goes on.  Of course, this is a strata of society where I am on the fringes and mainly an observer and happy to be so.  It naturally goes without saying that not everyone is like this.

So now what ? No harm continuing along our merry way - but come on folk - speak up don't put up. Support your mates, be loyal - don't worry about how it will look - who gives a toss !  Integrity and loyalty - two values intrinsic to being a good human being.

A final snippet from the conversation  to end this ..............

How does one deal with liars ?
Show them that you know they are lying without telling them, like we just did
Yep and start erasing them from your life.

Oh yes, and thank god for the pause button on Tata Sky, which allowed me to continue watching my show after all the hoo-ha had died down !! Yep 'suspension of disbelief' required for this show but I love it !

“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters”
― Albert Einstein

Did you know we drive on the left-hand-side ?

Driving in Pune is doing my head in .............seriously - it's a mare !

They say 'When in Rome................' so for the uninitiated here are the rules you should follow if you don't want stick out like a sore thumb .............before I begin you should know that here we supposedly drive on the left-hand-side of the road !

1. If you are coming out of a side road to the main road and turning left  - do not look - just come straight out - it is your right of way, the inside lane is all yours - leave the poor bast**ds on the main road to slow down for you.

2. If you are coming out of a side road to the main road and turning right - get into the right-hand lane and give anyone coming into your lane from the main road incredulous 'wtf are you doing here' looks !

3. If you break down, ensure you  leave leaves and sticks and branches around your vehicle and out of your window so folk know you have broken down - especially if you are a truck - it's kinda like saying 'I've taken root here'

4. Do not use any indicators ever .....................don't you know they cost money to replace !

5. Always flash your lights to say you are coming through especially if it's not your right of way.

6. Don't let anyone cross the road, or make a 3-point-turn or get in front of you - c'mon you are going to waste 30 seconds of your life it you do !

7. Throw rubbish out of your car window - especially if you are driving a posh car - 'coz obviously 'tere baap ka rasta hai' (it's your dad's road !)

8. If you see a red light, definitely ignore it if you cannot see any traffic coming across you - or if there is traffic ignore it if there is no cop about (and honk loudly at those who have the temerity to stop at a red light) !

9. Honk, to say I'm here, I'm coming through, get out of my way, it's midday, it's 2am let's wake everyone up....................and whatever takes your fancy

10. Do not under any circumstances use your rear-view mirror.

These are in no particular order and are just a small selection of what you need to know - after all, I'm not writing the Highway Code here (what's that ???)

TMI - I'm sure !

I don’t know if it was a song, a telly program or a book ……….but during the last week I came across something that basically said that we should not be ashamed of whom we are and not try and hide our true self.  I’m sure most of us around my age (50 something) like to think that we are who we are and people can like it or lump it – I do too…………….but bottom line is (and I speak for only myself here) – that there are things about us that we don’t want the world to see.  So this little item is about the things I would rather folk didn’t know about me – yep I’m about to spill the beans.  Alert………if you are hoping to read about some deep dark secrets you are out of luck – those are buried too deep to share so flippantly ……….but there are some ‘gag me with a spoon’ tidbits ! Look at it this way – I would take the piss out of my mates if they admitted to a couple of items on this list (was gonna be a top 10 list, but too much confession is bad for the soul)!

1. I love One Tree Hill – it’s currently being shown on telly in India - starting with series 1.  I know it’s a lot of teen drivel but I am addicted.  (I used to like Dawson’s Creek too much to the groans and eye-rolling  of my friends at the time!).  I’m sure liking this show points to some deep dark secret about my psyche, and sometimes I try and analyze it – but hey……..I like it – so shoot me !

2. I eat baked beans out a can cold – mix in some Maggi’s Hot and Sweet Sauce and yummy – yes I know, it’s disgusting – I should heat it up and bung it on a plate – but I don’t.  I would hasten to add that moobag has never seen me do this – I would not want to encourage such reprobate behaviour !   Oh yes – this is only Heinz BB – which is a bit of a treat for me here.  Used to do the same thing with Heinz Spaghetti Hoops at one point.

3. I don’t think my kid is the most beautiful or most talented kid in the world.  She’s pretty average and that’s fine with me – I love her unequivocally and would, like any mother, give up all for her – I smile when I think of her (which is a lot) and she makes me laugh inside and out – I feel the need to hug her a lot - but I seem to have missed out on those ‘my kid is awesome’-coloured-spectacles that are given out to each mother.  Sometimes I wonder if I am a ‘damaged’ mother or summink – but that’s the way it is. 

4. Ok this one is cringeworthy – you have been warned – I like Taylor Swift …………….enough said !

5. Last one for now …………………..I can’t park – I get confused when reversing with regards to which way to turn the wheel – I have no spatial  sense – and I once tried to get my car into a space in the station car-park at Farnham that was just too small – I scratched the side of the car to kingdom come and finally realized why it was the only free space in the car-park.  Luckily someone bumped into us the following week and it was a company car so it was all taken care of.  I have been known not to go somewhere because I am scared of parking (and in Pune hate parking the scooter too !)

So there you have it – just the tip of the iceberg – those of you who know me well, prolly know most of these – but no-one till now knows all of them

Very cathartic !

Weighty Issues

Like many women, I have always had problems with my weight.

 Many of you I’m sure can relate to the multiple wardrobes, diet plans, lapsed gym memberships et al.

My weight issues I put down to genetics ………………………

•  I seem to have missed out on the ‘I forget to eat’ gene that my middle sister has.  Needless to say she is a slip of a thing. 
•  I also seem to have missed out on the ‘willpower ‘gene that my mother has, who for most of her life, in spite of her love for food has managed to stay slim and fit.
•  And finally I seem to have missed out on the ‘when I make my mind up to do something, I do it’ gene that my youngest sister has – wherein like me she tends to put on weight but very quickly gets back into the habit eating properly and doing yoga regime so she does not seesaw too much. 

I, on the other hand tend to seesaw around 15 kgs which is unbelievable I know – but there it is.  I won’t go into the struggles and shenanigans I go through and have gone through to shift the weight as reams and reams has been written on the subject by folk more erudite than myself.   I know all the theory and can pontificate on the subject of safe weight loss and fitness till the cows come home (which they tend to !).  I just put it down to my three missing genes.

Having lived many years abroad I have adopted the attitude that if you want to comment on someone’s weight you only do so if they have lost it (assuming they were overweight in the first place)  – in a positive and congratulatory manner - and why not ?

They have probably worked their butt off to get to that stage, it makes them happy and it is a conversation starter.  You can spend the next 15 minutes talking about how they did it, asking for pointers (to add to your already encyclopedic knowledge of weight loss) and in doing so contribute to helping them keep it off, as the positive reactions are a great incentive. 

Of course, if you meet these people in the pub, depending on their character it could go one of two ways

1. They have given up drink for the weight loss and have become boring old farts and the night seems to go on forever, and the 15 minute conversation stretches interminably….OR
2.  They are sensible and realize this is a social event and drink as per normal – this then leads to an early feeling of squiffiness on their part as now they eat less and drink less and their bodies are not used to it as much as before – which results in an fun-filled raucous evening for all (most of my mates luckily fall into this category)

In India, however, I have noticed that folk be they male or female, be they friends or family, be they acquaintances or professionals – will immediately tell you that you have put on weight.  Since I have put on a lot this behavior has become more apparent to me recently.  No niceties, no subtleties they just come out with it. 

I walked into my CA’s office recently and the first thing he said was ‘you have put on weight’ – I was not surprised as the last time I saw him he started our meeting with the same comment – so this time I laughed and told him I was expecting him to say this and his response was ‘well its true no ?’.  You can’t argue with that !

I don’t find behavior like this offensive at all but find it vaguely amusing.  I always want to react with ‘Oh really ? I had’nt noticed’ or ‘OMG when did this happen I was fine when I woke up this morning’ or ‘Well I can lose my weight but you will always be an ugly bast??d’, or Well I can lose my weight but you will always be ??????????(Insert  your own epi thet here)

                                                                                                                                                                    

The same thing applies to your tan …………as over here in the land of ‘fair and lovely’ having a tan is considered a negative attribute.   

I think folk should stop stating the obvious – yes I know I’ve become dark (it’s the sun you know and actually I prefer being brown than a dodgy yellowy colour) - yes I know I’ve put on weight (it’s the genes your know !). 

There are much nicer ways to greet someone…………So next time how about ‘Hi – great to see you – it’s been so long !’ – or ‘Hi, great to see you,  what’s been going on – tell me all !’  or even a ‘sup’ !  Whatever happened to the wonderful ‘Namaste’ ?

I shall now go to my ‘fat’ wardrobe and don something to go to brunch with my mate !

This I write for KC and AP who have long been on the seesaw with me but seem to have finally gotten off it …………………………. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you guys !

Rambo

Rambo is mother’s trusty steed, a 25 year-old Maruti high-domed van that has seen better days.  It is the colour of dust and every few years it gets ‘tarted up’ with a dusty-coloured-goldy paint.  What lurks underneath that paint does not bear thinking about.

Rambo is a bit like the bionic man, he’s had most parts replaced at some time or the other and my mom is always singing his praises.  If he breaks down, then it’s ‘well he’s so old what do you expect………..just need to replace the gear box, the steering, the brake pads, the………………’ list is endless’.  Right now during my last visit it was something to do with gears. 

If one dares criticize Rambo, even backed by the fact he is sitting outside the house raised on bricks so the mechanic can get underneath to perform some surgery, she falls back on “ …… but he has a strong heart an amazing engine………the Maruti Service centre chap says his engine perfect” .  I am sure the guy at the Maruti Service Center would say anything to get Rambo off his forecourt.  She now has her own mechanic who comes once a month to repair and replace the various ailing bits of Rambo.

My mom drives like a maniac.  There are no ifs ands or buts about that fact.  She naturally denies this fact vehemently. She always contends that she is a safe driver and has never had an accident.  In fact, according to her, she will never have an accident as she has a well-aspected Mars.  One cannot argue with such logic !  

She loves the horn and one of her low points in life that I remember is when Rambo came back from a service with a horn that sounded like a sad wet kitten (I am sure the garage did this on purpose!).  My mom was aghast ……….how will she get through the bazaar with folk parking here there and everywhere, with the vegetablewallas encroaching on the road, with the rickshaw drivers (most of them illegal) taking over the town center.  The people in Dahanu were even more aghast because now they had no prior warning of mom’s arrival into town.  Luckily this lasted only two days and after taking Rambo to her ‘carelectrics’ bloke, the natural balance was restored in her life and the town.

What I have not told you is that my mom is very focused when she drives.  She has unintentionally hurt the sentiments of many a Dahanuwalla by not returning their waves and nods as she passes them by.  She has the razor sharp focus on the road ahead of her and ignores everything else around her.  I would like to tell the Dahanuwallas not to take this personally ……she once had to pick me up from the station, I told her if she was not there that I would start walking on her side of the road……….so she knew I was walking and as I saw her coming I waved and waved and yet she paid me no attention.  I had to literally jump in front of the car for her to stop …………..well I guess that’s a testament to her reflexes that she actually did not run me over!

My mother is 77 years-old, but as she is wont to overstate her age, let’s say she is 78.  Being so mature, she now suffers from aged-related macular degeneration and in one eye it is pretty advanced.  Has this stopped her driving – heck no ! Macular degeneration causes you to lose your central vision but you maintain your peripheral vision – so maybe she’ll be more aware of what’s around her right side and have the razor sharp focus on the left side.  And don’t even ask why we don’t get her a driver…………….I have given up on that argument! 

Getting fed up of the Rambo shenanigans, my sisters and I, gave mom a new (second-hand in good nick) Maruti Van for her 75^th birthday (tried to put the driver into the mix but she was having none of it).  It had to be a van nothing else would do.  Mom found it too nice, she could not go riding round the farm, she was worried about carrying the gas cylinders, the fertilizer, the plastic pipes in it, it was too nice and she was not happy with it.  After a few months of mutterings and grumblings about its inadequacies compared to Rambo she sold it.  She used the money to make some repairs to the house and of course to tart up Rambo.

I used to own a very battered Maruti WagonR when I last lived in Pune, which I took back to Dahanu when I moved there for a few years.  I left it at my mother’s when I returned to Pune for mom to use as a backup when her trusty steed let her down ……….say once a month.  I never had the courage to tell my mother this was the reason as it would be an insult to Rambo’s izzat  – so as far as mom was concerned my car was there for when I visited her place.

Unfortunately my car got stolen, we believe, by a bhayya who danced naked once in front of members of my family, but that’s another story!

So now mom is left with Rambo, sans replacement.  Will she continue to give him unwavering loyalty? Only time will tell – let’s see what happens when Rambo lets her down (which he will) and she has no backup.

However, Rambo will be with her in the afterlife.  My mom wants to get buried on the farm.  I have told her that if she wants to be buried on the farm she needs to organize the digging of the hole where she wants.  She needs to get written permission from the Tehsildar, Talati et al.  We have strict instructions to plant a wild fig tree for the birds on top of where she lays and to have a huge party for the Adivasis.  All of this I will do, but I will also ensure that the hole is big enough so mom can be buried in her beloved Rambo with her hand on the horn !

'izzat' for the non-indian means prestige, honour , respect.